Bottle it up…

Today was play-date day and while it went fairly well I am thinking that a 6.5 hour play-athon on a school night is not the best idea. As any typical four year old friendship functions, they went from hugging and hula dancing to disregarding each other’s existence like clockwork. I was the clown of the event, juggling melt downs left and right and I was always glad to step away when the love was rekindled. Girls are crazy emotional little beings and I am honestly frightened thinking about the rollercoaster we will be riding in a few years. Tae is going to run. us. ragged, I can guarantee it.

Enough about the offbeat parts of the afternoon, my real point is the laughter. I am amazed at how much these two girls were able to laugh. It was invigorating and beautiful. It is strange how as we grow older most of us lose that ability to laugh, to laugh just for the sake of laughing. I know a lot of it is embedded in the silliness, but when was the last time you turned to one of your friends and said “let’s laugh”??? How about this, “when I look at you, you laugh. Then I’ll look away and you can look at me, and I’ll laugh”…have you said that lately and then laughed SO hard that your laughter became silent??? Have you laughed with such commitment that it enlightens the people around you??? Tae can laugh like that. Not all the time but when she really laughs, when she puts a part of herself into that laughter, it does something, something special. She has this way of laughing from her gut, from deep within, and out pours this rolling laughter that involves every muscle in her face and just radiates this joy. It is like all the wonder of life wrapped up in this adorable rolling giggle. It really is fantastic. I don’t think I can describe it in a way that would do the laughter justice. I wish I could bottle it, bottle the feeling it creates in the air, and sell it. No, I would give it away because it really is something that everyone should have the opportunity to experience. I would give it to you if you were having a bad day and I would feel confident that you would feel better, you wouldn’t be able to help it because the laugh would envelope you. It makes your heart smile, makes you appreciate life, makes you long to laugh just because you can.
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Smile....

Today I had the.best.day with my girl!

Sometimes it is important to forget the everyday and focus on the people you love. The laundry and dishes can wait...the homework too.

Sometimes you just need to laugh and smile and have a day. A day that means the world to your child...to you.

I wish everyday was like today...I am going to do my best to make it happen.

I love today.

The WHOLE Doctor...

The other night I caught Tae in her room enjoying a treat of yummy-nasty-dirty-coin in the mouth (makes me gag a little just thinking about it…YUCK). So I mentioned that she should take it out, that it wasn’t good for her, “It’s DIRTY”.

She came back with…”I like IT” in her I know this is wrong gleeful voice. So I mentioned that she should take the nasty coin out immediately because she might swallow it AND if she swallowed it we would have to take her to the hospital so a doctor could go in her stomach and take the coin out.

Then she gave me this look….

And then said…”Really Mom? A WHOLE doctor is going to go into my tummy and take out a quarter??? A WHOLE doctor???” I could see the wheels in her head turning as she looked down at her stomach and tried to figure this one out.

Me: “NO, not a WHOLE doctor…please just keep the coin out of your mouth.”


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Beyond Random…

Today I had an appointment with my “lady” doctor. The doctor I have seen far too many times this last year. In the waiting area this woman was checking in at the same time as me, apparently she was there for her first visit after finding out she was pregnant. The receptionist eagerly congratulated her as she collected the woman’s co pay. The woman didn’t miss a beat in turning the joy into major awkwardness as she announced she wasn’t happy about it. She said “never say you are done until something is cut or tied!” and then laughed in a way that made my heart sink a little. Turns out she has five kids at home and obviously was surprised by the last. Since we were elbow to elbow at the counter I commented…”Wow, so this will be your sixth!!” I thought it was exciting. All she could talk about was the cutting and tying and so as they called my name I said “you know I really think you are very lucky!” smiled and walked away. I have been thinking of that woman all day. I think I would be freaked too if #6 was brewing, but I hope she finds the joy and stops talking about the snips and ties.

I am disturbed by this yet find myself oddly fascinated at the same time.

I am a TV watcher. I have my few (few might be too small of a reference;) shows that I enjoy. Has anyone else noticed a trend in some of the shows lately? What the hell is going on!?!?! Is it lets be depressing month? Is there some sort of writer's competition going on to see who can have the most dejected show??? Gray’s?? Private Practice??? Brothers & Sisters???What the hell is wrong with you guys??? I understand $hit happens in life, I understand we aren’t always supposed to be “happy” but you are all pushing the limit. It has been weeks now and I don’t know how much more I can take. Could someone smile please? Is that too much to ask?

On another note, with each piece of paperwork we complete for our home study I get giddier and giddier. Strangely enough the paperwork is making me smile.

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Just because she's beautiful...

Don't you just LOVE her???

Blue???

Blue can be defined as a feeling of melancholy, being gloomy and depressed. Or it can be defined simply as the color in-between green and violet, a color similar to and representative of the sky.


This is Tae’s definition of blue...

It really is THAT hot out...

LOVE it…The happiness from such a simple joy.

*Thanks again for the slip and slide Uncle B…only took us two years to use it…LOL.

Don't Laugh...

Someday I hope to play the guitar...and maybe sing...a little...even if it is in a room by myself… with the door closed. I will have to think more about the singing but...Someday…
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Hey you in the maroon truck…

Since I can’t outright accuse you, because I don’t have proof but 98% of me knows it to be true, do you think that maybe you “accidentally” walked up to my front door and mistook my potted plant for your own?

I noticed you in front of my driveway loading some items from our neighbor’s house into the back of your truck. I noticed you walking up my driveway and my dog barking her heart out at the door. Yet for some reason I didn’t open the front door. Maybe it was because your friend’s kids, my neighbors, are continually running in our front yard and playing tag around our cars. Maybe because I am a little desensitized to the noise they emit as the run amok at all hours of the night. But you know what? Maybe it is because it never crossed my mind that someone would steal an item right off my porch!!! Seriously, you pretty much suck!

The plant you did or did not take was a gift. I bought my door mat to match that pot, which I thought was pretty snazzy. I wonder, as you lugged that HEAVY plant to your truck, did you noticed the butterfly nestled in the middle of the palm? Do you like it? It’s pretty isn’t it? It is from my daughter’s first birthday party, the last one I had that was still fully intact. You didn’t realize what a special steal you really stole did you?

I hope you enjoy it, the plant and that sentimental butterfly. I hope it makes your home feel special, that it makes you feel special. Special like a good person might. Because like I said before, you pretty much suck!

PS. If I see your truck next door again, I may or may not walk over to it and check out what’s in the back. You might ask me what I am doing and I will gladly tell you I am just looking for something. I don’t expect to find the plant sitting there, but I will relish in the fact that then you will know that I am aware of what you did. I kind of hope it makes you feel like CRAP!

PPS. If by some slim chance you did not in fact take the plant, then you might just think I am the crazy lady next door. I am OK with that too :)


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This girl...

This morning N and I went to Tae’s parent teacher conference. Tae is doing great and is just a few steps away from her goal of being able to read. She was described with words like “social girl” and “class mother” and we were told that she is unable to start her work until she is sure the “younger” kids are happy and understanding theirs. Such a sweetie, the teacher said she just wants to make sure everyone is happy. N and I have been stressing about where Tae should go to Kindergarten next year. We have come up with many scenarios from home school to public, to another Montessori or just keeping her where she is. Very stressful, who would have thought kindergarten would be such a hard choice. We asked the teacher's opinion on what she thought was best for T and listened to her input, then she added this and it make me so happy, proud and slightly teary...

“Tae has such a light about her. She is so bright, like a spot light is continually on her. When she is in the room you can’t help but notice her. She is like a beautiful flower you can’t help but see. People will always notice Tae.”

Makes a Mama proud!

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Tapping out...

I don’t have anything witty or interesting to share, I am in the midst of the bed time battle with T and I seem to be on the losing end. Simultaneously I am trying to do my math homework and think I may be more successful with my pencil if I use it to jab out my eyeballs.

I will post pictures tomorrow.


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Joe...

I just made my morning coffee and for some reason I decided to try and use tap water. So, pointless story short, coffee made with tap water is NASTY. Tastes like a band aid…YUCK!!! Sad about my cup of Joe :(





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Tubby Time....

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Every time the wind blows….

About fifty freaking grapefruits fall to the ground. They gracefully bounce off the A/C fan thingy (that Tae refers to as the SHREDDER). It scares the crap out of me because every time it happens I think someone is attacking our house…I am paranoid that way. But it is kind of true; the damn grapefruit tree is wrecking havoc on the back yard! As if my days were not full enough keeping up with the joy of the 4 year old tornado, now I have to conquer the tree too?? Mother Nature you are stressing me out. And your fruit flies that are little and dainty and so obnoxious…you can take those and shove them. After the Private Practice episode with the parasites, aka worms, in the brain I have visions of fruit flies making homes and laying eggs in our heads. So now you are freaking me out too. We would like to mow our lawn but can’t keep up with you and the rainfall of grapefruits. I am close to taking T’s baseball bat and knocking all the fruit down, just to get it over with…not a bad idea. Side note, the fruit is too small to eat, bad year for our tree so it really is just a big ol’ pain in the A.

Oh, and the SCORPION that decided to make a home in the play house…SO NOT COOL. Luckily my girl is smart and knew what it was and didn’t try to touch it…thank god! She actually screamed with joy for her discovery. I, on the other hand went to the cupboard to arm myself with medical gloves and needle nosed pliers. I attacked the creature and by sheer luck managed to grab it by the tail, with the pliers of course. Tae gleefully shouted “THROW IT IN THE SHREDDER!!!!!” and while I thought about it for a second I couldn’t kick the thought that if I did that it might get sucked through our A/C and come shooting out a vent in the house. So, sorry people against harming living creatures, but I smashed it on the infamous grapefruit tree and threw it in the dumpster. It was victorious and my girl was proud.

If you are feeling good about yourself and feel like you have a decent amount of brains in your head, like you can figure things out and might be classified as a somewhat intelligent person maybe even studious…you might want to check into my current math class. I guarantee you that you will feel like an IDIOT after the first homework assignment. There was a point when I LOVED math, I would explain it to others and not understand why they just didn’t get it, I even thought math was cool. Guess what, I just don’t get it. If you are a math whiz or an accounting major or something math-ish, this obviously doesn’t apply to you, you know the degree of a trinomial in your sleep…lucky. I on the other hand can’t seem to remember the chapter I just read. This is going to be a LONG class.

Lastly, Tae has a new compliment she likes to give me... “Mom you are a real talent, you should make crafts or start a restaurant or something cause you sure are a talent!” Melts my heart and makes me smile till my face hurts!

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A moment.....

I remember I was about seven months pregnant. It must have been March; it was cold, a blanket of snow on the ground. A friend from work had given me a ride home; it was early evening, since I only worked days. I remember that this person didn’t really live close to me but gave me a ride a few times a week. Maybe because I was seven months pregnant and it was cold, maybe because they were just a nice person. I like to think it was the fact that they were just that type of person. N and I only had one car and he worked in the evenings. Opposite ends of the world as they say, that’s how you could describe the locations of our employment, but it was only for a couple more months. I can’t remember if I forgot my key or if N forgot to leave the back door unlocked. It doesn’t really matter now. I was locked out of the house. It was cold, dark, and I was seven months pregnant. N would not be home for about two more hours. I was wearing a black sundress, dress shoes and a jean jacket. Not entirely weather appropriate, but I wore what fit at the time. I didn’t have the fancy maternity attire. I didn’t have a cell phone. We had one cell phone that we shared and a home phone. N had the cell phone and the home phone was obviously locked inside the house. What’s a girl to do??? I really was a girl at the time, just married and trying to figure out what this new life was going to be like.

I sat in the mudroom in the back of the house, with my back resting against the kitchen door, the door that I longed to look at from the other side. I wasn’t scared, I wasn’t mad, I wasn’t alone. I sat there and gently caressed my baby, almost like a sweet tickle, and I sang. I sang every song that I could think of, and I sang like I felt it in my heart. Not that I am a singer, by no means is that one of my talents, but there are times when I put my heart into singing and I think that is what matters. Time passed and N came home. He was a little shocked to see me banging on the back door as he looked for me in the house. I was fine, I was comforted. I had been sharing a moment, a special moment, all that heartfelt singing to the new life within.

Tonight as I put Tae to bed she was having trouble falling asleep. She didn’t want to go to bed. She didn’t want me to leave the room. She felt scared. Falling asleep has never been one of Tae’s strong points; it is the time of day when she feels most vulnerable. At night she prefers to still be small. She always asks me to sing and to dance, to tickle and to pat her back. Tonight it made me think of that night when I sang to her and caressed and loved her with my whole heart. I always do it, love her with my whole heart, but I also always sing. I can never say no. Tae is just one of those things in life that makes me put my whole heart into it. So I do it all again, sing every song I can think of and love her with little tickles on the back, just as I had that evening in March….And every day after, with my whole heart.

It’s not a 2nd…

It’s a completion. Not completion as in an end but completion as in Jerry McGuire you complete me…as in this is what we have been missing, what we were meant to do. I can’t even explain the joy that I feel about our decision. I am bubbling at the fact that this is the path our life is leading us down. Some might say given the course of events in our life that we have chosen adoption as a second choice, as a replacement or even a weird twist on an infertility treatment. NOT TRUE. It is just a perfect fit. A direction that life has taken us, a beautiful path that life has presented us with and a BIG YES from our hearts!!! This is a chapter we were meant to create in our lives. And to be honest we weren’t always here, we didn’t always see it as a viable option for our family, a fit we could feel. But life, the crazy aspects of life that continually change you and shape you into the person you are each day, that life, has brought us here…and we are HAPPY. Some may not understand it, some may not ‘feel’ it the way we do, and that is OK because we know it is right. We have put a lot of ourselves into this decision and feel vulnerable about the whole process. It is scary to think that this is now out of our hands, and the emotions involved are insane. I cannot even fathom being on the other side of this adoption and while I am longing for the baby I can feel all around me, my heart is pinched for the amazing woman who will be bring such an amazing gift into the world. How do you express that type of gratitude??? We have only taken a few steps in our journey and yet I am filled with so many questions.

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