Envy: to desire something possessed by somebody else

Have you ever had the experience that when things in life don’t happen according to your plan, the plan seems to surround you. To be more specific, our plan is more babies. We have been trying off and on for the last few years and continually for this last year. As most of you know we were very excited to end 2007 with the announcement that we were pregnant and then devastated to experience the heartache of losing the baby. So I have taken the last few months to try and heal my heart, to be somewhat OK with what happened. To continually remind myself that everything in life happens for a reason, that there is a blissful baby waiting for me, when the time is right. But it is a hard pill to swallow that it is not my time. It’s just not fair!
I have titled this post “envy” and have chosen this definition because that is how I feel. Two (2) people in my office are pregnant. Two people, who were not trying, have just told me they are pregnant. Don’t get me wrong, I am extremely happy for them but I am also filled to the brim with envy. Not the malicious “I am going to hurt you cause I wanted that first” kind of envy, just the innocent “why not me” kind. I guess it’s a little too in your face for a Monday morning. I wasn’t prepared and my very raw feelings have surfaced.
It was never our intention to have a four year old with out a sibling. I want Tae to have a buddy, not to mention how much she wants to have a sister. She asks about once a week if the baby is back in my belly yet :( talk about a heart pinch.
If you know me, you know that I am not one to openly share my personal feelings, let alone post them on the web, but I need to do something. I am posting this for me, because this is me now, this is how I am “working through it”, I do one of these two things, I either push the whole event to the back of my mind and am then filled with guilt that I would try to forget about a baby that could have been, or was. Or I sit in my little corner of life and obsess. I obsess over everything that I need to change or do differently, I tell myself that it has nothing to do with losing the baby, but I know it has everything to do with the baby, with the fear of going through it all again. So that is how my mind works. How do you fix that?
I know that there are many more devastating events that happen in life and many people have more horrible obstacles to over come. But this is mine, at least for now. This is not my pity party, it’s just my feelings. This is my obstacle and my pain that I need to overcome and hopefully I will grow from the experience in some way. So for now I will try to let go of the obsession and the guilt and I will continue to focus on Tae, on getting her healthy, and on the idea that something great will happen in the future. That the baby I am dreaming about is just waiting for the right time to join us. That it will decide when that time is and when s/he does it will be absolutely perfect.