A moment.....

I remember I was about seven months pregnant. It must have been March; it was cold, a blanket of snow on the ground. A friend from work had given me a ride home; it was early evening, since I only worked days. I remember that this person didn’t really live close to me but gave me a ride a few times a week. Maybe because I was seven months pregnant and it was cold, maybe because they were just a nice person. I like to think it was the fact that they were just that type of person. N and I only had one car and he worked in the evenings. Opposite ends of the world as they say, that’s how you could describe the locations of our employment, but it was only for a couple more months. I can’t remember if I forgot my key or if N forgot to leave the back door unlocked. It doesn’t really matter now. I was locked out of the house. It was cold, dark, and I was seven months pregnant. N would not be home for about two more hours. I was wearing a black sundress, dress shoes and a jean jacket. Not entirely weather appropriate, but I wore what fit at the time. I didn’t have the fancy maternity attire. I didn’t have a cell phone. We had one cell phone that we shared and a home phone. N had the cell phone and the home phone was obviously locked inside the house. What’s a girl to do??? I really was a girl at the time, just married and trying to figure out what this new life was going to be like.

I sat in the mudroom in the back of the house, with my back resting against the kitchen door, the door that I longed to look at from the other side. I wasn’t scared, I wasn’t mad, I wasn’t alone. I sat there and gently caressed my baby, almost like a sweet tickle, and I sang. I sang every song that I could think of, and I sang like I felt it in my heart. Not that I am a singer, by no means is that one of my talents, but there are times when I put my heart into singing and I think that is what matters. Time passed and N came home. He was a little shocked to see me banging on the back door as he looked for me in the house. I was fine, I was comforted. I had been sharing a moment, a special moment, all that heartfelt singing to the new life within.

Tonight as I put Tae to bed she was having trouble falling asleep. She didn’t want to go to bed. She didn’t want me to leave the room. She felt scared. Falling asleep has never been one of Tae’s strong points; it is the time of day when she feels most vulnerable. At night she prefers to still be small. She always asks me to sing and to dance, to tickle and to pat her back. Tonight it made me think of that night when I sang to her and caressed and loved her with my whole heart. I always do it, love her with my whole heart, but I also always sing. I can never say no. Tae is just one of those things in life that makes me put my whole heart into it. So I do it all again, sing every song I can think of and love her with little tickles on the back, just as I had that evening in March….And every day after, with my whole heart.