I am going to honest....

Sometimes it hits me…hits me in the face…smacks me in the chest… tugs at my breath…hits me just to watch me fall. Most of the time, I get right back up…usually I feel stronger than life…at least I like to tell myself that…because I am strong…but sometimes, I am not strong enough.

That is really hard for me to say…really hard for me to admit that I am not stronger than the events of my life right now. Hard for me to say that I am sad…hard for me to say that I still feel defeated. Hard for me to let myself cry because I want to be stronger than that…which isn’t necessarily a good thing…to be ‘stronger’…but honestly, it’s easier.

Sometimes, it’s hard for me to set aside my wants, my desires, my needs and focus on the day. At least it has gotten really hard the last few weeks. My tactic of being ‘stronger’ is failing me miserably and I am kind of a mess. I feel surrounded by obstacles, can’t haves, and taunting events… I am happy in my own little world, I am happy…but I can’t acknowledge those obstacles. I can’t talk about it. I can’t. I can’t answer my 5 year olds question of why she doesn’t have ‘someone’ too, I can’t seem to explain the emptiness that we all feel…But apparently I can’t smile through it either. So, I guess I will just have to say that I am sad. That maybe we are all a little sad. That as hard as it is for me to admit…to let myself feel it, being sad is ok.

It may seem odd that we feel this way…that we are still dealing with this want…this void…but we are. It is unresolved…that spot in our life is still empty…we’re still missing a piece. It is very difficult to see that (hidden) sadness in my family…to not be able to fix it. I am the fixer, the make everyone happy person and with this…my hands are tied. It is hard to accept that I might have good days and I might have bad ones too. I feel silly…I feel embarrassed. I feel like it is such an old issue…that I am supposed to be over it…but I am not. I am just sad.

I don’t always feel this way…I am not sad all day…but little moments will bring these raw emotions right to the surface. As much as I try to push them back down…these past few weeks, it hasn’t worked. I think I need to be honest with myself and also remind myself that it will be ok…in the end…it will all work out. I am still me…life does go on.

At this point I need something to lean on…and right now I am leaning on time to heal this one.


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I am still here...

….just been in a funk. I think I have lost my groove…can’t find my footwork…trying really hard to hear the beat of my drum…???

I think maybe it was brought to the surface when T went back to school. N is at work and I am just kind of here…just me and a big empty house. I haven’t found a new job just yet, and so I am just here doing my school work. I will be back to myself soon...I am good at bouncing back… I am sure that most every mom experiences this ‘lost’ feeling at some point. I think I always thought that when T really started school I would be home with other littles, slightly distracted and still feeling needed… but it hasn’t happened that way. So, I am just here. I know that will change soon, but the last few weeks have been a hard reminder that my plan hasn’t exactly turned out.

I know I don’t really talk about our adoption on my blog anymore, I know I don’t really mention babies much either and it is not because I have forgotten the path we are on, or that I don’t think it is worth mentioning. I had to step back and slightly remove myself from the process. I had to listen to my five year old and remember that she is still little, that she is still very much my baby. I had to remind myself that she still needs %100 of her Mama’s attention, because she is still an only child, and why not give it to her while it is still an option. I am a person with a slightly obsessive nature. I will focus, analyze, and dwell on something until I drive everyone around me insane. There is a part of my heart that aches to be filled with the bliss of a baby. There is a huge part of our family that hums with love and anticipation for that baby(s) arrival, but that day is not today and that love, desire and anticipation is not going to fade. So right now I am just focusing on today, on my girl and on the happiness the three of us have. That ache in my heart is there, that missing piece, that desire still floating just out of my reach, but right now I am okay with that. I have found a strange comfort in the process, in the path, in the necessary milestones of completing our adoption. It’s our journey, it’s a part of our story and it will happen the way it is meant to be…

I think this is a key opportunity to focus back on myself, to remember what inspires me, what makes me complete. While I know a huge aspect of that is family, my loving nurturing nature, I also know a part of that is my creativity, my mind. I don’t want to be so stuck on my goals that I forget about my desires. It really is about the little things in life, the simplicity. The large events, the extravagant luxuries, they amaze us, they sparkle and entice. But the little things, the simple moments, the days when time just slows down because of the smiles and the sunshine, those are the days that fill your heart. I want to always remember to find the joy in the everyday, I want to always remember to slow down and capture a smile, tell a story, relive a memory. When your heart is full of beautiful memories, memories with meaning and substance, there is nothing in life that will sparkle more.