I am going to honest....

Sometimes it hits me…hits me in the face…smacks me in the chest… tugs at my breath…hits me just to watch me fall. Most of the time, I get right back up…usually I feel stronger than life…at least I like to tell myself that…because I am strong…but sometimes, I am not strong enough.

That is really hard for me to say…really hard for me to admit that I am not stronger than the events of my life right now. Hard for me to say that I am sad…hard for me to say that I still feel defeated. Hard for me to let myself cry because I want to be stronger than that…which isn’t necessarily a good thing…to be ‘stronger’…but honestly, it’s easier.

Sometimes, it’s hard for me to set aside my wants, my desires, my needs and focus on the day. At least it has gotten really hard the last few weeks. My tactic of being ‘stronger’ is failing me miserably and I am kind of a mess. I feel surrounded by obstacles, can’t haves, and taunting events… I am happy in my own little world, I am happy…but I can’t acknowledge those obstacles. I can’t talk about it. I can’t. I can’t answer my 5 year olds question of why she doesn’t have ‘someone’ too, I can’t seem to explain the emptiness that we all feel…But apparently I can’t smile through it either. So, I guess I will just have to say that I am sad. That maybe we are all a little sad. That as hard as it is for me to admit…to let myself feel it, being sad is ok.

It may seem odd that we feel this way…that we are still dealing with this want…this void…but we are. It is unresolved…that spot in our life is still empty…we’re still missing a piece. It is very difficult to see that (hidden) sadness in my family…to not be able to fix it. I am the fixer, the make everyone happy person and with this…my hands are tied. It is hard to accept that I might have good days and I might have bad ones too. I feel silly…I feel embarrassed. I feel like it is such an old issue…that I am supposed to be over it…but I am not. I am just sad.

I don’t always feel this way…I am not sad all day…but little moments will bring these raw emotions right to the surface. As much as I try to push them back down…these past few weeks, it hasn’t worked. I think I need to be honest with myself and also remind myself that it will be ok…in the end…it will all work out. I am still me…life does go on.

At this point I need something to lean on…and right now I am leaning on time to heal this one.


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