running on empty...

Sometimes I wonder what it is that I am doing to myself.

Today was my ultrasound to see if the first dosage of hormones were successful. I have a pretty strong instinct that they were not. My doctor and the office tech are on spring break this week…so I had to go to the image lab to have the ultrasound done. It wasn’t physically painful…I feel like they are old news now…but emotionally it was tough. The last time I had this done was in the hospital during my miscarriage. I did not think they were going to do the exact same procedure (minus the catheter of course). Even though this time I was not dealing with the emotions, pain and shock of losing a child…it was still intrusive and stressful…basically the same and I found my mind wondering what I am doing, why would I reenact this scene??? I was continually giving myself a pep talk that I can do this…it’s only three months. Just think, in the end we could have a baby. I was constantly scanning the tech’s face for any signs of what she saw…any indication that the news would be good or bad. I wasn’t anticipating it to affect me this way. I didn’t think twice about going, sang in the car on the way up there and even enjoyed my trashy waiting room magazine. But now, I just feel really vulnerable…maybe a little lost too. I used to associate an ultrasound with something amazing…they were exciting…happy...providing a picture of your new life. Now, they are just scary…empty…violating…and they make me sad.

I hoping the nurse calls soon to give me the plan…I am running on empty over here.


try {
var pageTracker = _gat._getTracker("UA-7035349-1");
pageTracker._trackPageview();
} catch(err) {}